Arguments and revelations

Dec 02, 2013

*** Because so often music can say the things that words cannot, please play fiction by The xx while reading this post. ***

There is a quote by Karen Marie Morning “Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.

Ben my friends-with-benefits knows how to bring out the most. Teaching me that sometimes to bring out the best; you need to bring out the worst.

 We fight over another man. In his frustration his words are uncalculated and seem unreasonable. He tells me if I choose to have sex with this other man he will never sleep with me again.

How dare he?!  How can he possibly make such an ultimatum? We are neither dating nor excusive. He frequently sleeps with other women so how can he possibly refuse my right to do the same.

I’m fuming. I ask if he is giving me an ultimatum, he responds that I don’t need him if I have ‘the puppeteer’. Is it just this man?  Or does that mean that I wouldn’t need him if I was sleeping with anyone else? He assures me it’s just this man; he can’t stand the thought of me being with someone who uses me just to get what he wants or to gain power when he feels he has lost it, especially when every time I play his game or even talk to him it fucks with my head.

Admitting he never should have involved sex, and realising in hindsight that it was the wrong thing to do. Ashamed he promises to never use sex to get his own way again.

‘All I meant was; If you want to be an immature dickhead after coming so far, and go back to how you used to be, then I don’t want to have sex with you, and I’m well within my rights to that as we are not in a relationship. Does this make more sense? There are scores of immature dickheads I can fuck; there are no girls I care about like I do you, that’s why you’re special.’

So what are you going to do?

Not even needing a second t think it over, I choose Ben.

At that moment I knew, my walls had fallen.

For the past three hours he has pulled me apart, brought each flaw, each blemish from my past with this man to the surface. He has judged each action as what they were, selfish. I have spent years justifying my actions with this man and in a mere three hours, each justification is left shattered on the floor.

And yet somehow he left me stronger than before. With the precision of a surgeon he managed to open me up, pull out each cemented tumour that this puppet master has spent seven years putting in place. His harsh words and mistaken cruelty were simply the anaesthetic needed for this life changing operation.

The fight ends with each of us admitting we may have feelings for each other and I wonder, is this what we were fighting for all along?

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