It’s at times like these I wonder how much of life is chance, and how much is fate.
It’s been three years since I cut him from my life, and this time I was ruthless. Determined to never speak with or cross his path again, I purged from from my life and my memories. And for the first time in seven years I did not waiver.
He remained unmissed until my sister passed, as if with her passing she brought with her all the ghosts of my past. My brain could not seem to comprehend grief without him.
She sent him to me at the supermarket, he bumped into me with his trolley at the shops.
How can I ever begin to describe how it felt to meet him again? How can mere words do it justice? For a moment the universe swelled inside my mind. Memories of what we were, what we are, and what we could have been flooded my senses rendering me speechless.
I loved him again in that moment, not in the way I did before. I didn’t love him with adolescent wonder, I did not place him upon his pedestal again.
I loved him in the way I always should have, I loved him as a friend. I loved him for his seven years of friendship, I loved him for being the man in my life for six of those years after my Dad died.
He was the man I looked up to, the one I would compare everyone against. When the waves of life would crash over me, he would be there with a lifeboat every time. Putting aside the memories of tumultuous love I realise in spite of all that heartache, how much he helped me to grow.
As my love assures me he is fine with my renewed friendship with this man, my mind is drawn back to the email ‘Mr Big’ sent me in 2011. As though he could foresee the future he described the type of man I should end up with.
“You have high expectations of the person you want to be with. I also believe you should have these high expectations. You deserve someone great. Someone who is great to you. You want someone that knows what you're thinking before you even open your mouth. Someone that will hug you when you need it, without having to ask for it. Someone who will let you go when you need to be by yourself, and be there when you come back.”
I never envisioned he would return to my life, or that when he would I would be in love with the man he described all those years ago. My core belief has always been that friendship with an ex is possible, and though it may not happen straight away in time feelings can alter and relationships can change.
So if fate is playing her hand, she cannot be ignored. In her eyes he would be brought back into my life for a reason, and I must let the universe run its course.