I write this sitting in a hospital bed. Having lost the vision in my right eye (hopefully) temporarily due to a severe eye infection, I’m required to spend a few nights here whilst they administer eye drops every hour, on the hour. I’m exhausted.
There is something about hospitals that can make even the most independent, strong, single woman feel lonely. Maybe it’s just me. I can’t help but think back to my visit to hospital a few years ago; I had just moved to Adelaide to be with my boyfriend. We were one of those sickening couples who absolutely adored each other and couldn’t bear to be apart. I can still feel his body pressed against mine, sharing the tiny hospital bed as I shook weak from fever. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t miss him.
Is it him I miss, or am I just missing the closeness?
Am I missing having someone who adores you so much they stay by your side? Even when you’re 21 years old crying over getting a needle, whilst there’s a psychotic patient on the other side of the room screaming at the nurses. You know you look like absolute shit (you just threw up from the morphine in front of them) and yet they still look at you like you’re the most beautiful thing they’ve ever seen.
Sometimes you just want to be adored.
He tells me he will try to make it to the hospital. I know I will never see his face.
Returning to work the next day he messages to check up on me; apologizing he couldn’t come and spend all night by my side, as he knows given the chance I would do the same for him.
He revealed too much when he told me to focus on his actions rather than his words. I see his words for what they are now, nothing more than a placebo. Too many times I ate up those sweet sugar pills. Not doubting for a moment the sincerity of his words, allowing each one to distract me from his contradictory actions. His only mistake was self-medication.
Losing count of the amount of times he has told me the most important thing to him is our friendship; I let his actions speak on his behalf, and realize maybe this is the biggest placebo of all.