And just like that a light bulb went off in my head today.
The past year, hell for the past year and a half I have put everything possible ahead of my dream. Any excuse I could find not to write I have pulled from the depths of procrastination.
My depression has been consuming me, devouring my love of writing. But the truth is, I gave it the first bite. In my refusal to follow my true path the universe abandoned me. The sun has not shined upon my choices, because I haven’t been making them in line with my passion. How can I expect inspiration to flow when I continually refuse to put my goals first? The universe does not bless dispassion for life.
When grief knocked on my door looking for a place to stay, I kicked out inspiration and passion and gave grief the master suite.
Grief casts the darkest shadow. Edging its way over all aspects of my life it took away my will to live. Unable to leave this world for fear of destroying those I love; I chose instead to live just for them.
With each waking day I wished for an accident, something to take me from this world in a way that would not destroy the ones I loved. In this half-life I gave up my dreams, a half-life isn’t a place for hope and passion so I threw my pens and paper away.
Grief projected its darkness over my relationship next. I blamed him for not being my muse; for not pushing me to create, for not inspiring greatness. I wanted him to be my sun, and when he couldn’t shine through griefs thick shadow I reproached him.
He never gave up shining, patiently hoping that one day I may see a glimmer of his light. I will always love him deeply for that. A lesser man would have walked away, many have prior to him. But he sees me for who I truly am, not for who my depression makes me.
I gave grief its notice to vacate, begging inspiration and passion to return I made a grand gesture of giving them what they always wanted. The chance to work their strengths.
With a week to go until I start university my Psychologist asked “When was the last time you were truthfully this excited for life?”.
“Two years ago.”
“And you never told anyone.”
Some pain cannot be spoken