I awoke uneasy and restless with the overwhelming feeling that every aspect of my life is wrong. It’s as though I have been cast in a role I am so unqualified and unsuited for the only option is to run away. I wonder how many of those around me see the fraud I am, how many have picked up on my misquoted lines the way I stumble through each scene. I’m sinking; the responsibilities set up to keep me in place are holding me so tightly I can barely breathe. I want to change my number, to change my name. If my bank balanced allowed I would be gone; I dream of states and countries where no one knows my name, where no one has any idea of who I am or who they expect me to be.
I wish I could say I am a stranger to this restless feeling however the truth is we are old acquaintances. It follows me around hiding in the shadows waiting until I foolishly forget its presence only to completely envelope me with the desire to run. Only this time I have nowhere to run, the option of running between states dissolved when my mother moved back here, and now I find myself with car repayments and a room to rent; I am grounded. I know the feeling will pass I only wonder what it will take to make it do so. Will it pass on its own or will it take a dramatic change on my part for the restless monster to be satisfied.
I feel lost my world is shaky and my breath is shallow; changes must be made I just need to decide what.